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Friday, 21 September 2012
Parents ,right . When you are kindergarten you would draw cards for your parents,they would love you, they would love your kisses ,your art work in sch would be kept as perfectly as possible.You reach primary school, did you adapt well?What happened in school?Can you keep up?Did anyone bully you?Secondary school,do you need tuition?Do you have friends?How are the teachers, are they too harsh?Is there too much homework?Do you have some one you like?And JC, have you decided on your occupation?You should get yourself a boyfriend?University and so on so for.For your life,they would care for you love you.That's what people said,my friends said.And then you would love them, want to keep them with you for the life even if its impossible.Me???Right,I,was never their perfect child.Look at people this look at people that.Comparing myself with others.They always thought,I was young,could never comprehend what they have been going through,my family is going through,and at the end of the day who is there to comprehend what I am going through?They would compare me with my friends ever since I was young.They would say look at your friends with obedience and great manners,for the tests I take they have thought I was obliged to get a full marks especially math because my family is the business class.And math have been a daily part of their life and expected me to excel.For one thing I could never change I could get full marks for most of my subjects but math is one thing that I never knew why I couldn't.They would say you wasn't studying enough and there comparing to my cousins that they loved so much because they were much adorable. And primary school when I was a primary 1 PRIMARY 1!I never knew what exams were for even though I took it in kindergarten I never study for them I never knew it was important.I got the third in class.I got into the second class for primary 2.There were bad companies.I never mixed with them,never told my parents.They were companies that have masks.In front of adults they are so obedient and in school they look down on you hate you because you don't have that pretty looks like they do.And there comes the comparing again.Then when you scored high for one of your exams one of the top but not the first.They would start comparing again.And when I started comparing with those who have scored lower than me they would say don't compare yourselves with others.And the fact is they started to using me as a comparison first.When I got first in P2 they would want me to defeat the top in school.Their aims got higher ,my stress higher,and after every single comparison they would just appease you with one sentence "Its for your own good."The end.I am not perfect, in fact who is.No matter how much you hate that fact thinking of how perfect you are its a truth you have to accept."I am not perfect" slowly became a trend quote.And excuse of not working harder and covering up your mistakes,a quote to catch peoples' attention because you think you are perfect.But in adults eyes "Perfect" is a must.They were saying about their own problems.They never tell me the truths.They never thought I was perfect.I even have to find out whats going on at home by eavesdropping.They expect me to tell them everything.They want no secrets kept.They thought I was too young to know anything.They thought I was immature!But I was the one that cared for them but never treated like one.Faults would always lies in me.I would always hate it when people say something that was totally the opposite of themselves they would always praise the others.Well, their way of making friends.I am thought to be ugly and unpopular in primary school.I was quiet thus caught the teachers attention but not my friends.Popular to them is gained with wealth ,generosity and beauty.But never sincerity and we gave our sincerity but forgotten when you are going down.I slowly came to realise that there wasn't one I could trust.My secrets are kept within my pathetic soft toys.My complex family background have to be learned by myself.They only tell me the truth when I was upper primary because I made them unhappy and was talking about how sad her daughter in law life was and then talking about her pride comparing me with her because we, are the females.I was doted by my grandfather but she was unhappy with him I was indirectly told to stay away from him.I have to learn everything themselves.Saying how others taught their children well and saying how bad I was.I was known to be a liar,I admit cause I did lie about something but when that thing came to truth the rest of what I have been telling are lies.I was known to be arrogant,because I was teaching my friends something.I was known to be ill-mannered,because I greet my neighbors softly and smile at them for that one second that did not even managed to catch a glimpse and they would say I am a disgrace.I didn't meet their expectations so conclusion to them is I was lazy.When I went out,their conclusion is I was having fun and they were slogging.When I was working with my laptop,I was playing and not studying.They would scream,scold when I was young.They would cane when I was older.They would slap when they think they are right.They would not have to keep their promises.They would cry saying why they have a child like me not able to comprehend how hard they have worked for everything and I was only working with my academics and couldn't make the proud.I scored 249 for PSLE.They said it was low.My friend got DSA into the best school in the neighborhood even though she scored 238 and to them wearing that uniform was an honor to their family.I was bad at everything though smarter than my elder brother but since when did that ever turned to them to be something they should be bothered or comparing.They would say "I gave up on him that's why I didn't compare you with him!"And when you turn around at look at him is that really so?Who send him to a good private school hoping he could learn some skills.Who was the one who said I had no talent and wasn't worth of learning anything?Who bought everything for him?Who only buy things that are only related to academics?Who was it who said I had no patience?And who tried to prove it again and again but no one bothered?Who agreed on the learning guitar and than said if I want it I had to settle everything myself?Who?WHO?And Who?Who was the victim?Who was despising?To them if they read this but they would say its my somewhat one-sided story.They would complain.They would never be bothered.I am their tool,their investment, their reliance when they are old.While I was falling tears silently who is there to notice and when they were falling loudly they would say they hate it and it was one of my techniques of getting out of troubles.I...lost hope.I want freedom.I want my own and very world.I knew the facts that no one would really fully understand you because they are not you,I wouldn't expect anything else but I don't even know myself now.What are my dreams?Certificate ,university,lawyer,first in class or what?What do I yearn for?Love,true friends, acknowledgement or what?What do I want?I am aimless,hopeless and all lost...
9/21/2012
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