I really hated myself today. Not sure what was wrong with me today, I lost that rationality that I shouldn't have. Even if I kept repeating to myself things that I should never have been doing, I did it. I really felt like pushing the fault on to the other but it was mine. I gave in to who I really was. Someone who only cares about herself. Yes, so I took that advantage. I built on the pain of others. I did something I hated. I lost the right to hate others... I lost that right to pity myself... I lost that right to cry...

♪"There is nothing you should give up on, just because you lost your way" ~ Bang Yongguk♪

Been a long time since I've written. Every time I decide to update seriously it's nothing good to say.But I'll give a head start with some updates about my life. I am now in Polytechnic pursuing business. So what happened to all that talk about going to junior college. Well, it's gone. The sudden change of my mind was due to my start of retail part time. It played a part in changing my decision and helped me to pursue the life which I hoped to lead. Of course, my decision didn't go all that well to realise, parents fight, arguments what else is new really, nothing. The tears that went flowing went to the drains of determination where I stand in polytechnic now. I started to doubt my decision from time to time, though. There were good times, of course, awful times were never less at the same time. When you subconsciously bring in your family conflicts into your social circles it made you feel like cutting off all your ties. From time to time, I would think of just walking out, barging through a red traffic light, getting knocked down by the car. How would that have felt, the impact the pain,  that travels through your body before you're gone from the world? Other times I would think of jumping down from the window of my room, with the witnesses of all my hearts' closest, wondering if I would be suffering less if I did. When you try to seek someone who would listen, you realised you don't have many friends who would. It's tiring. When your heart keeps you in, when you try to go out. I want to see the world, going everywhere looking at the beauties of scenery, cry and let tears be brought away by the flow of nature's rivers. If I could be not chained down by the dreams of life, would I have laid it upon a knife to end it? Would I regret doing so after I die? Would my soul still linger out of the feelings I have for this world? Do I even have any pleasant feelings for this disgusting world? I seek to grow older everytime and now. As I finish my dreams, I would lay my life on a knife, end it with dreams and not a bunch of grievances. Possibly jumping down from the sky without a parachute. Or bury me in the depths of snow, frozen to death, freezing my time. Time is a burden. Relationships are too. I am too. The world is. Chained down by the various pains. Chained down by me.

♪"There is nothing you should give up on, just because you lost your way" ~ Bang Yongguk♪

I was foolish to think that you would fulfill your promises.I guess I really can't go on anymore. It really is annoying whenever you try to deny it. If you have the guts just go ahead and admit I just don't want it I am just the kind of person you thought I was. If you had done so, I probably will be fine, let's not then. If you knew you're not going to fulfill your promises then don't even think or try about promising. Stop bombarding me with excuses. Stop trying to be the "good" person here. Don't even think about trying to fulfill it because I was asking for it and make me a "bad" person out of it. If you are gonna deny it does it thoroughly to the end, stop turning back to make me a willful person. If you're gonna fulfill it, do it from the start stop being fickle minded.
Stop trying to judge or diminish my friends. Indeed they might not be the role model you think they should in your mind. I have my own choices. I know what kind of friends I have. It's my life, I don't intend to ruin it. Stop being the person I hate. Many of a time, I wish I could just leave and say bye. I wish I could lead my life out there. I know you want me gone too, I know I am much of a burden. I knew. Don't worry I'm gonna get out and fly as long as the chance comes. I know it's hard out there but it's probably better than being around here. I want to have peace that I wished for so long if you could just give it to me. The four walls and behind those locked doors was the outcome of your behavior. You probably never realized, do you? You only knew how hard it was for you, you never considered about us isn't it? It probably doesn't matter anymore.
Stop jumping to baseless conclusions. Things ain't how you thought out to be. Stop jumping to conclusions and think you got it right with what you see. That's ridiculous! This is why I never told you anything. You won't listen, you're bounded by your own thinking and opinion. Stop trying to see that it's my fault all the time. You don't even say sorry when you got it wrong.What gives you the right to not? Just because you have a higher authority doesn't give you the right to not bow down when you make errors. You're always rambling about the society the working world out there. I do not believe that the working world out there allows you to do so. Some kind of way to say and do things differently.
If I could say what I want to say, I'll say all these to you. If I could see what I want to see, I want to see you doing what you've said. What's wrong with my tongue, these words keep slipping away.Does it really make a difference if I said? It just made me a worse person out of it, isn't it? Yeah right, I was always the villain either way. Guess I'm wishing my life away, with things I'll never say...

♪"There is nothing you should give up on, just because you lost your way" ~ Bang Yongguk♪

I am not dumb,I can tell.I can see, why don't you just spit instead of packaging those words into such noble speech. Sometimes I wonder why my tears fall when I keep asking myself to hold it back.I always knew life was full of contraries, but since when was I the one who fell into this absurd principle of life?Why is everyone lying?Was that why I lied?Disliking myself about lying, but why did you guys lied too?Your heart is on your sleeves, I can see everything.There need no be you in this world,I do not need you.All I need is if the world would leave me alone,spare me from your lives, your controls, you and your curiosity,I'd be happy alone.With my speechless,mindless things,I still have more capabilities than with humans of various thoughts.I work fine framing myself into a box while having my mind fly further than you think.I am fine alone, so if you could,could you ignore my presence,can I not have any presence?I would live happier ever after.

♪"There is nothing you should give up on, just because you lost your way" ~ Bang Yongguk♪

        Was I still that little girl in your eyes following your beck and call? Was I still that little girl in your eyes that could only wait for the helps of others? Was I still that little girl that had to plead for your mercy? The moment I was told to give in despite the wrongs I had to swallow, I have decided to wield a knife in my hand. The moment you mocked me ,I decided to bare my fangs. The moment I was suppressed by that physical size you were building up on, I decided to train enough for me to retaliate.Me suppressed? Dream on!Why did you think I got this aggressive from a passive little girl? Have you ever thought how much I had to go through? How my grievance had to be spilled no where other than my expressionless teddy bear? Why should I give in with me that way.you, play on with you? Your menial emotions fluctuates, but however it may go leave me out of whatever you are feeling. I do not intend to be a toy of yours, I do not want to be a venting object for you, so would you get lost?
       Why should I give in to him? He's stress you say?Understand him? Who's there to understand me? I should swallow my grievance and he should let his out? Are you kidding me?After suppressing for so long? Its fine if you decide to not listen to me and get along with whatever idea and feelings you are going with, I am used to it .But would you please not drag me into whatever you are thinking.I would be thankful enough if you could just leave me be. I gave up on you helping me stop that nonsensical act of his so would you stop throwing me your "wonderful advices"? Seriously,it's nothing but a nuisance. If our fight is a nuisance to you could gladly go away cause there's no way I am giving in.Before I forget to mention it, me, being rude? Excuse me? I was wondering when he even showed some menial respect to me. I've showed enough respect in the past by not doing what I dislike to him?I endured quite enough? And I am not gonna do that anymore!I decide to just throw some verbal daggers and sprinkle some salt on his wound. You could intercept but before you do, you might want to remember how he did the same to me. I might look expressionless but I m just suppressing. I am not suppressing anymore, I am going head on head, I have enough ability now so I am not crying if it hurts anymore.
       Suppress is no longer an option now. Its not in one of the choices in my life and you guys moulded me the way I was. Sadist? Evil? Rude? Do I seem to care anymore?No! You don't look like you are aggressive type but I wasn't suppose to be one. You all drove me down that personality so even if you don't like it deal with it.Suppress?Suppressing?Suppressed? Its out of my life.

♪"There is nothing you should give up on, just because you lost your way" ~ Bang Yongguk♪

     Isn't it obviously crap?All talk as if you really cared,isn't it just for yourself?Just deal with the fact that we never really went along. Just deal with the fact that I was seen as a sinister person in his eyes.But well, I don't really care,we never went along since the start.
      It looked like I had all your shields, but the back of the shields ain't like a comfy turtle shell to hide in. He's never felt those sharp thorns.Those that just drain you. He receive those knifes from the surface but it ended fast. He never felt the way I did, neither did I ever felt the way he did. I never knew which one hurts more but one thing I know for sure that we were all hurt.I'd apologise to him if ever got hurt for the weirdest reasons that would just struck them. But know that I felt the pain too in a different pain. Well it is purely a pain being in this house. I am sure that he know that well enough. But deal with it that he and me are just both too weak to step out on our own.
       I rewatched fruits basket anime today. What one of the characters said really struck me. "Isn't it amazing that she is living in that tent alone even though her circumstances.I could have left home since I hated it so much. But I was too scared." Me too, I was too scared. I built up my rage, hate, but I didn't leave this home.I was too scared, too scared of what to live on, how to live on.In the end, I'd endure the rage,the hate, the unspoken words, the pain, the distress all in me, just to live. I guess I really just wanted to live, and living pleasantly,quietly and alone is just a wish, to motivate me from living,to make me look forward to live on, to see the days I'd like to see. But really can I live to see that one day? How long more do I have to endure? I really don't know. In the anime, the main characters were always lonely,seeked companion,seeked out the comfort. But its totally the other way round in the real life. I push everyone away, and felt more peaceful than ever. When people gather around me, I felt lonely. When someone is there I felt that their presence is much of an annoyance. Probably because I lived my life without having someone to tell those unspoken words.But here I am spilling my unspoken words. These typed words, I'd just take it as I'd spilled them to the whole world . Even though I am pretty sure he doesn't read this but I'd tell him we would have been better siblings if we just disregard each other's presence from the start.We may have a more peaceful relationship ,and just help each other in a blue moon. Life may have been much more easier to live on I am sure. Though it seems like an irony we were fully blood related yet hated each other since so many years. Not sure if we'd ever come around one day seeing how we hold knives over each other's neck, but I am sure you have wished for this as well at least once. I wish I was born the only child. Sorry to those who wished for a sibling but to me its a hell pain in neck.

♪"There is nothing you should give up on, just because you lost your way" ~ Bang Yongguk♪

I refuse to comply to the likes of you. I refuse to comply to your delusional expectations.I refuse to head go the way you asked me to. I refuse to accept your perception on the difference of gender. I refuse to be tied down by those outrageous thoughts of yours.I will stand on my own one day. I will tell you in your face one day, I did fine without you.I did fine without reaching your expectations.I did fine with those comments from others.I did not do anything for you to feel proud and boast to the likes of others,and will never.I did not reach your expectations for the likes of you, and will never. I do not need you, my personality doesn't follow you, or should I say it got bend by you in the progress that it doesn't follow anyone anymore. You guys can go ahead be a happy family. Its easier alone. I do so much better alone. I don't need others, I stand well myself. The world is simple,just treat it as I am bizzare. Unlike Cinderella, Snow White, or those damsels in the fantasy stories I do not seek companion,I do not seek help.I do fine alone being my own knight and hero.I am fine and I do not need the likes of you and others for me to survive.

♪"There is nothing you should give up on, just because you lost your way" ~ Bang Yongguk♪